You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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