I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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