Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
