Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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