i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
