i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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