Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
