Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
