Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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