Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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