Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
