God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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