Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You ate ashes out of my bong
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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