On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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