god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
