Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
