last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
