sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
