i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
