am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
