It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
farters have to be the big spoon...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
