census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize