I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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