i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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