mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just google imaged poop.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
