hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
