how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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