There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
