I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
