the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
