you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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