at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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