guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
