My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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