Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
