Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
