forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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