I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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