I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
