So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
