conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
