dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
