so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
