If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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