life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
