so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
