I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
