tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
