Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
