On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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