she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
