You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
